Published: October 26, 2009 04:19 pm      

STUMPTALK: They’re giving me and Sarah the Nobel Prize!

Sarah and I are getting the Nobel Prize for literature. No kidding.

Now, I haven’t published anything but a few magazine articles, opinion pieces and letters to the editor. I also have an unfinished novel on my hard drive (not very good) and a roman à clef novella that I wrote a few years ago about people with whom I worked, but the Nobel committee says I have great potential, so they will be giving me the prize pretty soon. And of course, Sarah’s book isn’t even out yet but it’s supposed to be good, and you know it will be a New York Times best seller, so the committee ought to give her a prize. 

Some local luminaries are also slated for the prize: Mayor J.H. Graham III for his work on water distribution, CCHS and Stone Memorial High School football coaches for continuing to coach teams that may win before the end of the millennium, and Cumberland County commissioners for imaginative fly ash disposal.

On the state level Governor Bredesen has been recognized, along with Dolly Parton, for the Imagination Libraries. Imagine: you can get children to read while they watch TV, play video games, and stuff their faces with cheese doodles and Ho-Hos. Dolly declined an invitation to run for office, which the prize committee will probably commend, when she said that there were already too many boobs in politics.

On the national scene, the Heisman Committee contemplates giving this year’s Heisman Trophy to Gallopin’ Greg Gilhooley of Sturdleyville, Ohio. The fact that no one has ever heard of Gallopin’ Greg has not deterred the Heisman Committee. His coach says that this slow but willing runner has lots of desire even though his 8.4 forty (which was 8.5) is a challenge.

And while I’m on the subject of football, I cannot overlook the accomplishments of Lane Kiffin in his first season as UT’s coach. He has almost beaten Florida, UCLA, Auburn and Alabama. With all that potential, we know that he will benefit from the new era of expectations begun by the Nobel Committee: he will receive recognition in the NCAA Division I national ranks in a new category: Could Be Good If…. For example, Kiffin’s Oakland Raiders could have been good if they had had good players. 

Then we have the President’s Nobel Peace Prize for his promises, not yet realized, to bring peace to the world, to end terrorism, to end nuclear proliferation, to give everyone cheap but excellent health care, to end global warming (that one’s easy; the temperature has been constant for over 10 years), to redistribute wealth from the greedy suckers who stole it to the Dickensian, huddled masses from whom it has been stolen, to replace SUV’s with motorized roller skates, to eliminate the flush toilet, which wastes so much water, and to end the heartbreak of psoriasis.

In the world of Hope and Change, Barack’s a winner!