Published: July 15, 2008 09:12 pm         

THE WAY I SEE IT: A man with a plan for America

I used to believe that the highest office in the Free World demanded certain qualifications of those who sought that honor. In addition to an inherent sense of patriotism, I thought that the President of the United States should have successful management experience and a clear vision for America. Apparently, I was wrong. In our enlightened times, all a candidate needs are vague notions of hope and change.

Therefore, I have decided to put aside my own successful management experience, and declare that I am that candidate. I admit that I have never been an attorney, a bureaucrat or a politician. I have many other faults, but those are not among them. I humbly confess that that I have been a community organizer. My efforts have been almost exclusively directed to the needs of children. I have founded city-wide sports programs for young people and successful child abuse and neglect prevention programs at local, county, state and federal levels. I will not win the child molester vote.

My vision for America is radical in that it offers genuine hope. The first plank in my platform is the restoration of our national sovereignty. When I pledge to close our borders to all except those who come here legally, learn the language and obey our laws, I will mean it. When people come here illegally because they only want to work, I will give them work, making little rocks out of big rocks. The pay will only be room and board; no TV, Internet, law library or cell phones. I will solve the problem of deporting 12 to 20 million illegal aliens, one cattle car at a time.

The second plank in my platform will be national security. I will oppose, with my every breath, those America-haters who would deny our military every single weapon and tactic that they need to protect our nation and our way of life. Unlike some, I know that taxes didn't win World War II. Our victory came at the expense of those who fought and died at Anzio, Normandy, Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima and Bastogne. If the answer to national defense is simply federal taxes, then we should already be secure. We pay federal taxes that would make our founding fathers spin in their graves.

The last plank in my platform is national solvency. I'll pay Congress at the minimum wage, thus eliminating "career politicians." As president, I will not sign any spending bill unless every earmark is named in the title of the bill. Either take them out, or re-title the bill. I will not keep the American people in the dark any longer. I will build a dozen unheated barracks in ANWAR. Then I will veto any bill that restricts drilling unless every backer of that bill has spent 10 nights in ANWAR between November and March. Then, come back and tell me about all the pristine forests and wild animals.

So, there you have it. A candidate who has experience as a community organizer, but who also has a clear vision for America's future: Sovereignty, Security, Solvency. That is what I believe is required to be all things to all people. We can return to that "Great Society" we have been systematically destroying for the past 48 years. The only problem I will have is finding a political party that agrees with me.

Robert Evans Burnette is a Crossville Chronicle columnist. His column appears on Wednesdays.