Published: June 16, 2009 08:26 am      

THEREFORE I AM: Let's get in the back seat together

Have you been in your back seat lately? You should go. It’s good. There’s almost a dreamlike quality to it, familiar and different at the same time. Everything is where it should be, just not quite. It’s possible my back seat is the nexus of universal time and space.

Actually, since I drive a function-over-form minivan, I have multiple back seats — three to be exact. Two are captain’s chairs, presumably where Kirk and Ahab would sit if we ever went on a road trip together. I also have a bench seat way, way in the back in which one person could lie down quite comfortably, or two people could sit pretty comfortably, or three people could sit in excruciating discomfort provided they have their shoulders removed. The minivan is built to haul bodies. It may do nothing to impress the ladies, but you’ll have no trouble using the interstate carpool lane.

Being the primary driver of the family, I have very few occasions to find myself in any of the back seats. When I’m there, however, I like what I see. There are cupholders galore, separate controls for heating and cooling, my own window, arm rests, adjustable head cushions — everything a sedentary American needs for a nice long trip through the countryside. Kirk and Ahab even have their own personal video screens so they can watch Spongebob en route to Six Flags. Beat that, Ishmael!

Sometimes I wish I could spend more time in my back seats, but there are many factors at work against me. First and foremost, my 6- and 8-year-old aren’t the best drivers yet. When my wife’s at work, it’s just the kids and me. Oh sure, I’ll let them take the wheel if we’re scooting to the grocery store and back, but they still have yet to master merging into interstate traffic. So that leaves me driving them most everywhere. Slackers.

I have other problems that keep me out of the back seat. Reading in the car makes my head hurt. I’d love to knock out a few hundred pages on the way to the beach, but nausea and literature just don’t mix. I’m not a napper, either. I have this strange condition in which I don’t sleep unless I’m — get this — tired! Weird, huh? Some people can take a nap an hour after waking up in the morning. Not me. I sleep at night and do stuff during the day. Call me crazy. I also can’t sleep unless I’m horizontal. Give me a nice long bed and I’ll saw some logs, but I can’t snooze while sitting, standing or walking.

I can’t even watch the video screens back there because of the peripheral-view motion (it’s the same problem with the reading, I think). So if I can’t sleep, read nor watch TV, I might as well just sit up front, crank up the stereo to 11 and drive, drive, drive.

My kids have no trouble in the back seats. They love it there. They’ll watch movies for hundreds of miles at a whack, and they don’t complain a bit about peripheral-view motion from the windows. (I don’t want to ask them about it for two reasons: First, I’d hate to point out something to them that could conceivably ruin a good thing for them. Second, I don’t want to have to spell “peripheral” to them seven times.) My daughter gets a little car sick while reading, but she has no trouble sleeping while seated, so she’s one up on me. My son can do anything back there — eat, sleep, play video games, watch movies, read, prepare tax returns, you name it. I envy him. I hate doing taxes.

I hope my kids appreciate how good they have it back there. I didn’t have video games, DVDs and iPods when I was a kid. I ate lots of cherry licorice and counted state license plates. Woohoo. Whoever said, “Getting there is half the fun” was probably working on his fourth martini in a train’s bar car when he said it.

About the only time I’m in the back seats is when I’m cleaning the van, which unfortunately happens only before and after long trips. I’m not a clean-car freak. I do it when needed. Our house usually looks great. The car? Not so much. I tell myself that I should clean the van before a long trip so we have a nice, clean car with which to start our trip — like getting a short haircut to begin the summer. Of course with two kids, that “nice, clean start” lasts about as long as it takes me to back out of the driveway. This should explain why I clean out the van after the trip as well. It also should explain why I don’t clean it more often.

Get someone else to drive and check out your back seat. You paid for the car. It’s yours! Go back there and have a little fun — lower the head rests, roll down the windows, twist the temperature knobs, kick the driver’s seat for a few miles. Make the most out of your trip, and say hi to Ahab and Kirk while you’re back there.

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.