By David Spates / davespates@tds.net
May 05, 2008 08:17 pm
—
I wonder if I could sell my kids' birthday party pictures to the celebrity gossip rags. It seems to be all the rage among the Hollywood glitterati. If Americans are so interested in seeing photos of Tom Cruise's and Katie Holmes' kid eat cake and ice cream, why wouldn't they want to see photos of my kids eating cake and ice cream?
I know the answer, of course. We're talking about the glitterati, the people who glitter. Tom's and Katie's child is not a child, she's a glitter child. It's not a birthday cake, it's a glitter cake. It's not ice cream, it's glitter cream. Glitter balloons, glitter presents, glitter goody bags, glitter piñatas getting whacked with a glitter broomstick, glitter pin-the-tail-on-the-glitter-donkey — it's a magical, magical world the likes of which non-glittery people (you and I) shall never experience.
I can't quite wrap my head around the fascination of celebrity gossip, so I guess it's no surprise that gossip centered around the offspring of said celebrities baffles me even more. I was standing in the checkout line at Sprawl-Mart recently, and the line was moving even more slowly than is typical. Somehow, strangely, my kids weren't with me, so I had plenty of time to survey the breath mints, flip through the 30 different designs of Sprawl-Mart gift cards, consider the merits of low-fat jerky, and, as a last resort, scan the headlines of People, Us and OK. All three publications featured a story (and "exclusive" photos!) about Cruise's and Holmes' daughter's recent birthday party.
I realize that as a male in his late 30s, I'm not representative of these magazines' purchasing demographic, but are other people really interested in this stuff? Yes, absolutely they are. A magazine editor wouldn't have it on the cover if it weren't a big deal. The magazine people are smart, and they know what sells. Apparently pictures of a 2-year-old's birthday party, provided she is the child of glittery parents, sell quite well.
Unfortunately for me, I don't glitter, my children don't glitter, and therefore my kids' birthday pictures won't bring much. In fact, apart from a handful of intently interested grandparents and a few other relatives, I'd probably have to pay most anyone else to sit through a single viewing of birthday bash photos. The only thing most people find more boring than stories about your children are stories about your pets. (In some cases, you could reverse the order.)
Covering glitter babies is big business. During a 'Net search for the name of Cruise's and Holmes' daughter (why would I know that off the top of my head?), I came to the realization that there is no such thing as a "slow news day" when it comes to glittery offspring. Want proof? Here's an actual headline I came across at USmagazine.com: "Angelina Jolie buys Shiloh Cheetos."
Yes, that is the headline. It's not a short sentence contained within a story located underneath a real headline — that's the headline. The story provides fascinating details about what drinks and snacks Jolie's adopted kids enjoyed (who, presumably, are not nearly as relevant nor interesting nor white because they were not sired by Brad Pitt). The more I think about it, however, "Angelina Jolie buys Shiloh Cheetos" may be the perfect American headline, because everyone in America really, truly loves at least one of those things.
Let's break it down.
"Angelia Jolie?" Check. She's a gorgeous woman whose movies sell millions of tickets.
"Buys?" Check. We Americans love to buy, buy, buy. In fact the government is about to send you a big check with which it wants you to buy something you really don't need but would really, really like. It's your duty as a patriotic American.
"Shiloh?" Check. Certainly her mom and dad love her, so that's enough love in my book.
"Cheetos?" That's a big ol' CHECK! Come on now! Who hasn't, at least once, ruined a nice pair of pants with a fingered rub of greasy, orange, delicious Cheetos dust? If wrecked pants aren't a sign of love, I don't know what is.
Throw it all into one headline — "Angelina Jolie buys Shiloh Cheetos" — and it's perfect. Call the Pulitzer people. Even with greasy, orange-stained pants and Cheeto dust up her nose, Shiloh glitters. My kids, well, they're just messy.
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.
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