Published: April 28, 2008 03:59 pm         

THEREFORE I AM: In-car waving is as important as steering

We all know the official rules of the road, but driver's ed will carry you only so far. Anyone who's driven for more than, say, 12 miles knows that the art of driving is a subtle interchange of sociological nuance. Scientists can teach a robot how to drive, but there's so much more to it than just accelerate, brake and steer. You need to wave.

The Tennessee Department of Motor Vehicle's driver's license study guide doesn't mention a single word about waving — not one. There should be an entire chapter on the subject! If you haven't mastered waving etiquette, you have no business being on the road.

Think about what happens when you're at a crowded four-way stop. A good driver knows how to proceed: Whomever first arrived at the intersection and came to a complete stop gets to go. Everyone gets their turn in order of arrival.

But what do you do if, for instance, two vehicles arrive at the very same moment? I'm sure there's some obscure rule that determines who gets to go first — the person on the right goes, or the person not making a turn goes, or the person driving a blue Chevy on the second Tuesday of the month goes. Whatever. The rule doesn't matter because this is a situation in dire need of a waver. As long as one person steps up, takes charge and waves the other person through, everyone can go merrily on their way. With no waver, however, sometimes the two drivers will stare blankly at one another trying to remember some long-forgotten rule they learned 30 years ago in driver's ed class. Go ahead and call the insurance adjuster because this is a crash-in-waiting.

But waving is used for more than just directing traffic. A well-placed wave is the cornerstone of friendly driving. Say you're stuck in your lane trying to take a left across the other lane of traffic. You're waiting there for what seems like a purgatorial eternity as car after car after car after car traveling the other direction prevents you from taking a left. After reading three chapters of War and Peace and getting a much-needed shave, you finally catch a break when someone in that other lane slows down and gives you the opening your blood pressure so desperately needed.

There are three types of people in this world, and they are readily identifiable based on their responses to this scenario. One type will blast through the turn in a fiery rage because he had to wait so long. Because the world revolves around him, he shows no appreciation or recognition to the generous chap who slowed down and allowed him to turn. We'll call this guy the Malignant Narcissist, and you'll get no wave from him.

The second type is barely aware of his own existence. He feels he has little or no control over his environment and merely reacts to seemingly random stimuli. Car, can't turn. Car, can't turn. Car, can't turn. Opening, can turn. He's not angry and egocentric like the first type, but he's totally unaware of what's happening around him, and he has no clue that someone just did something nice. We'll call this guy the Floating Feather, and you'll get no wave from him. He just bobs along through life like a feather on the ocean. In some ways, the Floating Feather is a more dangerous driver than the Malignant Narcissist. At least you can predict with reasonable accuracy what the Narcissist will do.

The third type is the Good and Decent Soul. I am a Good and Decent Soul. You are a Good and Decent Soul. Our moms are Good and Decent Souls. Most people are this type. Good and Decent Souls give polite, thankful waves when another driver does something nice like slowing down and allowing them to turn. We, despite no mention in the driver's license study guide, are the bedrock of community driving, and we will always give you a wave.

Gracious or directing, road waves are a crucial aspect of driving in America. You won't be tested on them at the DMV, but knowing the waving rules is as important as staying on the right side of the road. Unless you're in England. I'm not sure what they do there. Maybe they wave with the opposite hand.

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.