Published: April 14, 2008 02:36 pm         

THEREFORE I AM: Even we Americans aren't THIS ridiculous

Only in America would someone spend $100 for a sip of coffee. Only in America would a nude photograph of a politician's wife be auctioned off for thousands and thousands of dollars. Only in America would someone conceive of a mile-high building. Only in America, right? Think again.

It's no secret that many people in the world love to roll their eyes at Americans. We're big, strong, rich, successful, driven. Using a sports analogy (much to my mother's chagrin), we Americans are the New York Yankees, Duke Blue Devils, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Tiger Woods, Dallas Cowboys and, yes, Lady Vols, all rolled up into one. People who aren't fans of Americans probably enjoy seeing us fail or, at the very least, seeing us look foolish in gaudy, showy and tacky ways.

I could envision all three of those incidents I mentioned occurring in America. They seem so over-the-top, so ostentatious and, well, so American, like something you'd associate with the Paris Hilton crowd. Thankfully, at least in these cases, we Americans aren't to blame. So there!

A hundred bucks for a shot of coffee? It has to be in New York or Los Angeles, right? Try London, a cornerstone of European civilization. A London department store is selling itty-bitty sips of coffee cultivated from coffee beans harvested from the feces of Indonesian jungle cats. I wish I were making this up, but I'm just not that creative. The blend is called Caffé Raro and combines two extremely rare coffees, Jamaican Blue Mountain and Kupi Luwak. Don't bother searching for them at Wal-Mart.

According to CNN, the beans of Kupi Luwak are harvested after being ingested by civet cats. If cat-poop coffee doesn't get your morning going, I guess nothing will. My dog, Norm, is a cat-poop aficionado. He raids the litter box like a football fan raids the fridge during a commercial. I've always thought Norm's poop-snacks were disgusting, but maybe he just has a more refined palate than I give him credit for.

In defense of our Anglo allies, the proceeds from the coffee sales go to charity. The same is true of the proceeds from the recent auction of a nude photo of France's first lady, the price of which makes $100 coffee seem like an absolute bargain. The picture of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy went for, hold on, a cool $91,000. Carla is the wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who, if he needs a couple of bucks, may want to check his camera for any loose JPG's snapped during that long weekend in Cabo.

The photo was taken in 1993 by a famous photographer no one has heard of. The name of the high bidder has not been released, but apparently he's not familiar with a little something I like to call the Internet — this woman's pictures are all over it, free for the downloading.

I guess some guys have to spend their money on something. Just ask Prince al-Walid bin Talal. He's getting ready to drop some serious coin in an effort to build a building that will be a mile tall. That's 5,280 feet to you and me, Rusty.

According to The London Times, the building will be constructed in a small city near the Red Sea port of Jeddah. The multi-billionaire prince is a member of the Saudi royal family, so in case you were wondering why you were paying $3.30 for a gallon of gas, there you go. The building will cost nearly $11 billion. Even with the high-octane premium grade, that's a lot of gasoline.

I'm torn about this one. On one hand, it's only human nature to build something better, bigger, taller. There's nothing wrong with reaching for the stars, in this case almost literally. If it weren't for one-upmanship, the world would be a very dull place.

However, a building this size, which would be twice the height of the world's tallest building, carries with it not insignificant danger. Like George Costanza, I'm no architect, but I do know that anything that tall is going to have serious stability issues to overcome. I guess what I'm saying is carry on, Prince al-Walid — just don't look down.

It's all quite ludicrious, but it's not quite American. A nude photo of Madam Bruni-Sarkozy sipping $100 coffee atop a mile-high skyscraper? Now that would be American.

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.