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Published: March 11, 2008 07:54 pm    print this story   email this story  

THE WAY I SEE IT: An idea whose time has come

By Robert Evans Burnette / Chronicle columnist

Inspiration comes in many forms, and at any time. It is usually spurred by necessity. A friend of mine is an avid football fan. He is especially enthralled by the Tennessee Titans of the NFL. His immediate concern is how to improve their performance. He wishes the team could do that by enhancing the statistics of the Titan quarterback, Vince Young. In all modesty, I know exactly how to make that happen.

Last night, the hated Green Bay Packers' living legend Brett Favre announced that he was retiring. This contemporary sports icon will hang it up and, as they are lamenting in Wisconsin, "Four No More." That number will never again appear on a green and gold jersey. The sun will continue to rise over Door County and Set over Stevens Point. But, life in the Dairy State will never be the same. The quarterback of the century is no more.

Then, it dawned on me. Brett Favre has every right to retire if he wishes, but that does not mean his performance levels must be lost forever. There is hardly a team in the football league has always been on the hunt for better performers and better performance levels. I have come up with an answer to their fondest wishes. And, I did it on my own.

I am going to recommend to Brett that he form a private corporation, preferably with all the corporate assets held off-shore. Switzerland can get as cold as Green Bay, so I suggest the Cayman Islands. The seashore is much more inviting than a glacier. I must admit that I haven't been to a beach in decades. It's just too embarrassing. My pale complexion isn't my biggest problem. The last few times I laid on a beach, people kept trying to roll me back into the surf. But, enough about deep-fried Southern cooking.

Brett's new and innovative business would be incorporated for the express purpose of selling "performance credits" to those NFL athletes, coaches and team owners who can afford them. In this way, his performance levels will not be lost, but will be shared with all those people intelligent enough and affluent enough to afford them. Without any doubt, those brilliant people who buy the "performance credits" will sleep better knowing that they have helped their teams without ever having had to lift a weight, run a lap or engage in a single contact drill. The season ticket holders will be ecstatic as well.

In a relatively short time, the profits Brett's business earns will far exceed the money he made actually playing the game. As his earnings continue to grow, the performance levels of quarterbacks everywhere will improve. Even if on-field performances decline, the statistics will stay the same. The game will never decline in quality because the player's statistical levels have been bought and paid for. In time, the practice can even be extended to hair loss, obesity and old age. The sky is the limit.

Oh, all right. Maybe the idea isn't original. Maybe I borrowed certain elements of it from someone else. But if it earns me a Nobel Prize and Academy Award, I'll take them.

Robert Evans Burnette is a Crossville Chronicle columnist. His column is published on Wedensdays.

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