Crossville Chronicle, Crossville, TN

Glade Sun

February 5, 2014

ABACUS COLUMN: Cold weather…grin and bear it

CROSSVILLE — Most of the United States has experienced record breaking temperatures this January of 2014. For those without heat, proper protection, and the very young or elderly the cold is not welcome and could be life threatening. Those of us keeping warm and toasty need to be aware of those in need and respond in kind. For everyone, a sense of humor, frontier fortitude and survival instincts need to be applied. At least until our heating bills arrive in February and we are really numbed.  

Some cities or parts of the world suffer as targets for humor due to their cold weather. For instance: “In Buffalo, suicide is redundant," (A Chorus Line). Conversely, warm areas attract people because of their more favorable weather: As magician James Randi noted, “I moved to Florida because you don’t have to shovel water."

A friend of mine from up north, who is some years my elder and has an incorrigible sense of humor, sent me an email during the coldest days of January, and I quote:

 “The weathermen say the temperature is going to drop to extreme levels tonight, and everyone should check on the elderly and senile…Are you OK???"

His email brought a chuckle and a bit of warmth. I will try to follow his lead. Here are a few newspaper headlines to consider:

"Weathermen in shock; it’s as cold as they predicted!"

"Super Bowl canceled due to injuries from frozen footballs!"

"Florida Spring Break moved to Anchorage, Alaska beaches!"

"Alabama tide frozen!" 

Weathermen all over the country continue to smile while they deliver the news of arctic temperatures, ice and snow. Their smiles may fade if they ever receive a messages like one did; “As usual, your message stinks!” Then there is the defensible definition of a weatherman as "someone who knows less than he thought he did." 

Another approach at humor is to answer the age old question “How cold is it?”

....

It’s so cold a squirrel knocked on my door and offered a bag of nuts for a nights lodging.    

It’s so cold my wife’s knees are knocking and I keep opening the front door.

It’s so cold there are two kinds of travelers, the stranded and the frozen.

It’s so cold everyone is staying home and snuggling, they just can’t feel it!

It’s so cold I saw a deer trying to build a fire with flint and antler.

It’s so cold Southern Living ran an article about ski lodges down south.

It’s so cold Good Housekeeping initiated a new magazine, Cold Housekeeping.

I trust you will sympathize with my feeble attempts at cold weather humor. It is what happens when it is too cold to play golf, which fortunately does not happen often here in sunny Fairfield Glade, TN. In spite of the recent cold, this is the place where all of those northerners and southerners keep moving to. Even the robins and bluebirds have come north earlier this year. A male robin was overheard discussing the weather with its spouse recently in Venice, FL. “Mabel, we may as well head north early for Tennessee; it is nearly as cold here and Fairfield Glade has the best golf and worms!”   

1
Text Only
Glade Sun
  • County residents urged to vote

    Cumberland County has around 39,000 registered voters, as well as a strong reputation for voter participation.  However, as of press time on Tuesday, only 4,300 residents had taken advantage of early voting for the Aug. 7 primary and general elections. Local officials are predicting less than 50 percent of registered voters will cast their vote in the 14 days of early voting, plus election day. Only 23 percent of registered county voters participated in the May elections.

    July 30, 2014

  • Board amends by-laws

    At the July meeting of the Fairfield Glade Community Club, the board of directors approved a vote to amend the club's bylaws regarding uncontested elections of board members, effectively declaring Bob Diller and Steven Smith new board members.

    July 30, 2014

  • Naiad Kuhlman.jpg Senior olympian on the run for good health

    No one can get away with telling Naiad Kuhlman of Crossville that age is a barrier to exercise. The avid runner, personal trainer and instructor at Cumberland Medical Center’s Wellness Complex at Fairfield Glade won’t buy the excuse.

    July 30, 2014 1 Photo

  • Enjoying nature.jpg Get your mink coat on the road

    It is interesting what animals you see crossing the roads sometimes. When animals cross roads, you can get a look at them, that wouldn't be possible if they stayed inside the cover of trees or grass. Sometimes, it is just a fleeting glance and you aren't sure what you saw. When you go into the woods looking for animals, they usually hide or leave the area before you even know they are around. But, roads are wide open with no cover. Also, most mammals are nocturnal, so they are out when we aren't. Anytime that I am on a two-lane road at night, I am always watching intently for wildlife in the headlights.

    July 30, 2014 1 Photo

  • Read the latest edition of "The Bulletin"

    The Crossville Chronicle-Glade Sun also publishes a newsletter called "The Bulletin" in which you'll find a schedule of Glade activities and events, a restaurant and dining guide, golf information, and even tour schedules. Click here for the latest PDF edition of "The Bulletin."

    April 21, 2010 1 Link

  • Patches of Life: The replacement years

    I need a new refrigerator. There are some other things on order too as we seem to be in the replacement year of our life. Everything from the light bulbs to the computer seemed to agree that this is the year of replacement.

    July 30, 2014

  • Abacus Column: Tennessee the third most corrupt state in the U.S.?

    According to a recent article in Time magazine, Tennessee is ranked third among U.S. States in political corruption. I am not sure how they measure such crime in order to make such a charge. Does some purveyor of statistics identify the number of elected officials proved guilty in a court of law; or merely charged with corruption?

    July 30, 2014

  • A Time 4 Paws celebrates pet adoption after 3 1/2 years

    Three and a half years ago, a local no-kill animal welfare organization known as A Time 4 Paws (AT4P) received an important email. A Nashville animal shelter volunteer asked if AT4P could take two severely abused English Pointer mixes. The email said they didn't want to take back two dogs they had placed in foster care for fear they would have to kill them.

    July 30, 2014

  • A Time 4 Paws collecting shoes to help Soles4Souls in fight against global poverty

    Attention anyone with a closet! Those shoes no longer wanted are desperately needed to fight the human tragedy of global poverty.
    That’s the message being delivered by A Time 4 Paws, which has launched an ongoing drive to collect shoes to help the poor. Used and new shoes can be dropped off at A Time 4 Paws in Crossville and can be left in the blue recycling bin outside labeled Soles4Souls.

    July 30, 2014

  • FFG Treasure Hunt set for Sept. 5

    The 2014 Fairfield Glade Treasure Hunt is set for Friday, Sept. 5. This has always been a fun evening for those who enjoy puzzle solving, figuring out clues or just having a good time.

    July 30, 2014

Marketplace Marquee
Parade
Must Read
Section Teases
Seasonal Content
AP Video
Fighting Blocks Access to Ukraine Crash Site Dangerous Bacteria Kills One in Florida Workers Dig for Survivors After India Landslide Texas Scientists Study Ebola Virus Smartphone Powered Paper Plane Debuts at Airshow Southern Accent Reduction Class Cancelled in TN Raw: Deadly Landslide Hits Indian Village Obama Chides House GOP for Pursuing Lawsuit New Bill Aims to Curb Sexual Assault on Campus Russia Counts Cost of New US, EU Sanctions 3Doodler Bring 3-D Printing to Your Hand Six PA Cops Indicted for Robbing Drug Dealers Britain Testing Driverless Cars on Roadways Raw: Thousands Flocking to German Crop Circle At Least 20 Chikungunya Cases in New Jersey Raw: Obama Eats Ribs in Kansas City In Virginia, the Rise of a New Space Coast Raw: Otters Enjoy Water Slides at Japan Zoo NCAA Settles Head-injury Suit, Will Change Rules Raw: Amphibious Landing Practice in Hawaii
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Weather Radar
2014 Readers' Choice
Graduation 2014