Published: February 21, 2007 02:20 pm      

ABACKUS COLUMN: We don't Bling, but we could Blang

By now, all of you hip, senior advantaged, Glade residents have heard of Bling H2O bottled water and the catch phrase for swingers like us, "Do you Bling?"

My wife alerted me to a Fox News segment about Bling while she was tread-milling at the Wellness Center. Water for $38 a bottle! The last time I checked my monthly water bill it was closer to half that much and that was after I filled the fish pond. After research I learned a Hollywood writer-producer named Kevin G. Boyd came up with the inspiration to develop BlingH2O in 2005. He noticed the brand of bottled water film stars carry while working was becoming a status symbol. He reasoned that a "Rolls Royce" of bottled water was needed in image-conscious, status-seeking Los Angeles. In 2006, Bling won the Clear Choice Award for the best non-carbonated glass packaging. The limited edition frosted glass bottle is adorned with genuine Swarovski crystals (I don't know Swarovski either, but he is apparently making big bucks). A new Beverly Hills Bling boutique has opened on Santa Monica Blvd. where you can buy crystal festooned apparel, accessories and a bottle of water for $38. CNN Money.com writer Jeanne Sahadi recently wrote of Bling in a piece titled "5 signs you have too much money." Her comments included "sipping pure prestige; couture water; not for everyone, just those that Bling; the drink of choice these days among high-end tee-totalers in L.A." TV's Entertainment Tonight noticed Bling when Jamie Foxx, Paris Hilton, Bono, Shaquille O'Neal and Mariah Carey each flashed a bottle. The Louis Vuitton store in Paris serves it to selected clientele. Where do you think this watery gold comes from? Why the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee, where else?

Without doubt there is need for a more subtle and definitively "aged" bottle of water. BlingH2O sounds more like a Ferrari than a Rolls Royce. A more sophisticated drink is the new BlangH2O. Blang comes in two flavors with a hint of either oak or hickory smoke, reminiscent of the renowned Jack Daniels distilleries of Tennessee. The crystal clear water emanates from the Springs of Dartmoor, located in the celebrated Fairfield Glade Resort on the beautiful Cumberland Plateau. Blang aficionados such as Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, Tony Bennet, Lauren Bacall, Julie Andrews and Barbara Wawa, er, Walters, have been seen drinking the sexy new BlangH2O. The Blang bottle is fashioned of recycled Coca Cola bottles and comes shrink wrapped resting upon a Crab Orchard sandstone coaster. At a mere $480 for a case of 12, you can save a bit on the restaurant price of a bottle. Interviewed recently, Walter Cronkite was effusive about Blang, "Blang not only furnished my recreation room with beautiful sandstone coasters but has rejuvenated my sex life. I've ditched Viagra." Sean Connery agreed to a major advertising campaign for Blang with ads in AARP magazine, Golf Digest, and a massive TV campaign that will debut during the 2008 Super Bowl. "Bond, James Bond." "And your middle name, Mr. Bond?" "Blang, James Blang Bond, agent H2007." And everyone is humming Dolly Parton's rendition of "Blang Goes the Strings of My Heart."

At $45 a bottle, the co-op formed by Fairfield Glade residents, coughing up an initial $5,000 investment, recently broke ground on a new Blang Hills Country Club estimated to cost $130 million. Resident memberships have gained in value because only BlangH2O is served by the Fairfield Glade food service division. A lottery is required due to the number of applications to bid on lots for Fairfield Glade membership, the current price for a Glade lot ranges from $50,000 to $12 million. The president of the board of Fairfield Glade stated recently, "I wish I had sent $5,000 to Backus, that Blang thing turned out to be a pretty good idea."

Kudos, gripes, suggestions? E-mail dfbackus@aol.com.