Published: May 08, 2008 03:17 pm         

AROUND THE TOWN: Classified ads always good for a laugh

A reader sent me some funny classifieds the other day and, after I read them, I wanted to read some more. I did some online research and found some hilarious actual classified ads that appeared in newspapers across the country. Read on for some laughs!

•Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

•Free puppies...mother, AKC German Shepherd, father, super dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

•Found dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

•Nordic Track: $300, hardly used, call Chubby.

•Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

•Wedding dress for sale, worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

•For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

•Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

•Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

•Vacation special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

•Toaster: a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

•For rent: six-room hated apartment.

•Man, honest. Will take anything.

•Used cars. Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

•Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

•Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

•Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

•Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

•Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

•And now, the superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

•We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

•Illustrate? Write today for free help.

•Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

•Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

•Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

•Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

•Stock up and save. Limit: one.

•Semi-annual after Christmas sale.

•Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

•Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

•Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

•Dinner special — turkey, $2.35; chicken or beef, $2.25; children, $2.

•For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

•Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

•We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

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Mother's Day is this weekend. Don't forget the special mother in your life!

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A very nice article about Crossville and Cumberland County appeared in Destinations, an insert in the Tennessean. The article, written by a Cincinnati columnist, depicted our county as a wonderful place to golf and visit.

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I never cease to be amazed by the talented youth we have here in Cumberland County. I saw both the Cumberland County Playhouse and Ms. Cam's studio spring dance recitals this weekend. We have a wealth of talented young boys and girls. Kudos also to Ms. Cam's program. She donates a portion of her ticket sales to Relay for Life each year. The 2008 contribution is $1,500!

I also saw the Cumberland County High School choir's performance at Linary Church of Christ Sunday. Wow, that is another talented group of young people under the artistic direction of the lovely and talented Kathy Price Snow.

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Homestead Elementary's eighth-grade prom is this weekend. Students will be dressing up for a night of music Saturday evening. The HES event will be held at Lake Tansi Thunderbird Lodge at 6 p.m. Saturday.

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Speaking of proms, you should have seen the CCHS gymnasium, the site of their 2008 prom. Local builder Damon Koehl and his crew worked their magic again. The gym was transformed into Spring Time in Paris, complete with the Eiffel Tower. It was unbelievable!

Congratulations to Nicholas Broege. He was the winner of the $50 Prom Promise drawing at CCHS. Prom Promise is held in conjunction with the annual mock DUI.

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And finally, congratulations to newlyweds Ashleigh Bean and Tim Adkins. The two were married in a beautiful candle-light ceremony Saturday at First United Methodist Church. Ashleigh is the daughter of Peter and Carolyn Flick and Judge and Mrs. Jim Bean.