Published: June 04, 2007 04:53 pm      

THEREFORE I AM: Why can't books and TV just get along?

So you want to write The Great American Novel. Good luck. Eighty percent of U.S. families did not buy a book last year. Disheartening? You bet. Perhaps you had better scrap your idea and start pecking away at The Great American Sitcom instead.

I’m not a book snob. Really, I’m not. I don’t elevate my schnoz at people who prefer to spend their time watching TV rather than reading a book. I like to read as much as the next guy (well, according to that previous statistic, more than the next four guys), but there’s nothing wrong with tuning out and tuning in from time to time.

Even book snobs should admit that there is some truly great television programming left in the world. I’ll close my book in a heartbeat to catch a new episode of “The Office,” “Lost” or “24.” Just because a writer’s work is published in a book doesn’t necessarily mean it’s great writing. I’ve read some truly horrible books in my time. So have you. Great writing isn’t exclusive to print media. Pay attention to “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” and you’ll hear from some of the most insightful and observant — not to mention hilarious — commentary writers in America today.

That being said, there’s nothing like sitting down with an interesting book. Even the best television shows can’t compare with the intimate feel you get when you’re really, really wrapped up in a great book. My mind’s eye paints vivid pictures far more interesting than anything that can come out of a special effects shop. Sometimes I get so engrossed in what I’m reading that time stops. Many evenings I’ve gone to bed thinking that I’ll just read a few pages until I doze off, only to look over at the clock and realize — oops! — two hours have flown by and — oops! — I need to get up in five hours.

You know what I mean. I’m sure we’ve all been there.

Well, maybe not all of you. Oh sure, I know that you are an avid reader who gets intellectual stimulation from poring over a good book, but I’m talking about that other guy — the mouth-breather there in the corner who wouldn’t know a good book if it jumped up and bit his bibliography. He’s the guy on the airplane who doesn’t bring anything to read during the flight and would rather stare at the headrest in front of him for several hundred miles. Even worse, maybe he’s the guy on the plane who insists on chitchatting all the way to O’Hare. If you’re not going to read on the plane, I beg you to go Greyhound. I just want to kill the clock in peace.

Unfortunately for us, there are a lot of those guys stumbling around. According to a study funded by The Jenkins Group, a publishing company, one-third of high school graduates never read another book for the rest of their lives after they finish school. NEVER! Not one book! They go from 18 years old to the grave without ever reading another book. If you think the one-third merely represents the unmotivated dimwits, think again. The study also found that 42 percent of college graduates never read another book after college.

As someone who is always in the middle of a book, it’s hard for me to imagine. It may take me a long time to finish a book depending on how much free time I’m able to carve out for myself, but there’s always at least one title in progress.

What do these people do with their time? Golly, gee, what could the answer be? Would anyone care to take a shot in the dark? Volunteer work? Oh, please. Physical fitness? Pass me a Cinnabon. Prayer and/or meditation? Get real. Constructive hobbies? Yeah, right. Could it be ... Satan? Go ask The Church Lady.

Depending on whose statistics you want to believe, the average American watches four to six hours of television every single day. I’m not a book snob, and I’m in no position to tell anyone (short of my kids) how to live their lives, but man, oh man, averaging five hours a day adds up in a hurry. That’s 35 hours a week. That’s a full-time job. No wonder so many people don’t read books. After watching that much TV, they must be exhausted.

The Great American Novel? It may have already been done anyway. Some will tell you it’s To Kill a Mockingbird. If you’re in that one-third group, don’t worry. There’s a movie, too.

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.