Published: March 24, 2008 08:23 pm         

THEREFORE I AM: Calorie-free goodies are just steps away

I'd like to begin with a short continuation about bedwetting. Last week I mentioned the problem my 5-year-old son was having, and I have since been inundated with e-mails from readers who had all sorts of good ideas. I plan to bounce some of the better ideas off of our pediatrician's well-educated head.

While I wasn't surprised at the range of ideas to combat bedwetting, I was surprised at how emotionally invested some people are in this issue. The readers who contacted me sincerely wanted to help, and for that I am profoundly grateful, but I can't help but be a little shocked at the responses. I've written columns about myriad contentious issues — politics, racism, homophobia, capital punishment, cop killers, cheesecake, you name it — but nothing has generated the volume of responses that my bedwetting column did. Bedwetting? Who knew?

Moving on to today's column ...

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Rifling through my kids' Easter baskets last weekend, I paused for a moment to consider the extra calories. Was that chocolate bunny really worth the 40 minutes on the treadmill required to come out even? Are those disgusting marshmallow Peeps tasty enough to warrant extra time on the stationary bicycle? My answer? An emphatic yes. Besides, everyone knows those calories don't count.

Thankfully for us with questionable self-control, there are ratified and recognized scenarios in which the food we consume isn't metabolized. Those calories simply — POOF! — disappear into the Universal Caloric Collective and are never seen nor tasted again.

The first calorie-free scenario is the one I mentioned, your kids' Easter candy. This also applies to trick-or-treat bags and Christmas stockings. Pretty much any sweet your kid has is free of calories, as long as it is associated with a holiday. Be careful, however. This applies only to your children. If you eat a Milky Way owned by some other child, not only will the collective punish you with hundreds of empty calories, but you'll get the stink-eye from the kid's parents. Play it safe and swipe your own kid's candy. (Recent research has indicated that eating your grandchildren's candy may also be calorie-free. Further university studies are being conducted.)

Also, you don't have to worry about the calories you eat while preparing someone else's meal. In fact, eating while cooking is pretty much the same as taking an aerobics class. The Universal Caloric Collective is strict, yet clear, in its rules. You must be cooking someone else's meal for the calories to vanish. It's fine if you're cooking your meal along with someone else's meal, but that second person must be involved. It's only fair. If you're slaving away in the kitchen making a big dinner for the family, darn right you should be able to have a few crackers with cheese and a glass of red wine. The Universal Caloric Collective is fair and just.

Third, if you're eating junk food and don't finish it, the preceding calories don't count. You can suck down a two-pound cinnamon bun while waiting for your connecting flight to Hoboken, and as long as you leave a bite or two, you're good to go. (Before you ask, no, crumbs and smeared icing aren't considered "bites.")

Next, any food you eat while walking is, of course, calorie-free. The Universal Caloric Collective knows you have places to go and people to see, and it appreciates the fact that you've gotten off your duff for a few minutes. That being said, please don't confuse walking with driving. The collective knows the difference. Eating while driving will pack on the pounds faster than you can say "chicken fried steak." The Universal Caloric Collective is encouraging us all to break our dependency on foreign oil and to cut back on fuel consumption.

The final calorie-free scenario has been a staple of parents' diet plan for generations. Any food your kids don't eat at a restaurant is calorie-free for the parents (and grandparents, based on initial findings). The Universal Caloric Collective knows it's expensive to eat out, even more so when you bring the kiddies along. We parents teach our kids it's irresponsible to waste food. We're just practicing what we preach. The UCC is cool with that.

So enjoy your kid's Cadbury Cream Egg. Just make sure your child doesn't see you. If you can eat it while you're walking, you'll really be ahead of the game. Leave a bite and you could skip the gym for an entire year.

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.