Published: March 16, 2009 02:55 pm      

THEREFORE I AM: Jim Croce and I will keep you safe and sound

My philosophy of life is simple: When in doubt, follow the advice of a dead folk-rock star. I always found Jim Croce to be particularly handy in this capacity. Don’t tug on Superman’s cape. Don’t spit into the wind. Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, and regardless of how badly you may want to, do not, under any circumstances, mess around with Jim.

I was never certain if the Jim mentioned in the song is the same Jim who penned the lyrics, but I think it’s a valuable nugget of advice nonetheless. Sadly for me and music fans everywhere, Jim Croce died decades ago. I am left to figure things out on my own. Oh sure, I have my parents, wife and children to rely upon for guidance, not to mention my own moral compass, but come on — no one wrote lyrics like Jim Croce. “And it’s not hustling people strange to you / Even if you do got a two-piece custom-made pool cue.” Testify, Brother Jim!

So in the spirit of life lessons translated as interpersonal warnings, I thought I’d mention a few of the things I’ve learned not to do to other people. You can do these things if you want to, but I will not be held responsible for what happens. Neither will Jim Croce.

• Don’t get into a “zinger battle” with a professional comedian. You will lose. You will lose every time. Just ask Jim Cramer. He’s the host of CNBC’s “Mad Money,” and he recently got into a well-publicized inter-show war of words with Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show.” The two finally met on Jon’s show, and it was liking watching a cat toy with a dead mouse. Jim didn’t stand a snowball’s chance. Good comedians are smart, pithy and have perfect timing — in other words, not someone you want to go toe-to-toe with on national TV, and Jon is about as good as they come. To a lesser degree but still fully applicable, this rule applies to anyone who is considering heckling a comedian on stage. It’s a no-win scenario. The comedian has a microphone, he’s had lots of experience dealing with hecklers much more clever than you, and besides, he’s surrounded by a room full of people who paid cash to listen to him. The heckler has no shot. 

• Along those same lines, don’t taunt a black belt martial artist. I’ve been taking karate lessons for a few months (it’s a great workout). I’m still just a newbie yellow belt, but I learned fairly quickly not to provoke or annoy the black belt instructors. These guys are the nicest gentlemen you’d ever want to meet with heaps of patience and understanding, but I’ve seen glimpses of what they can do physically. I’m a big dude who knows a trick or two, but a well-trained black belt would pummel me into a quivering puddle of goo.

• Don’t treat your waiter or waitress badly. They have total control of the food you’re putting in your mouth. Do I really need to explain any further? Also, a waiter will remember a bad customer for months. There’s an old saying that “revenge is a dish best served cold.” For a waiter, that vengeful act is literal.

• Don’t lie to your doctor. First off, your doctor usually knows when you’re lying anyway. She went to medical school for years and has forgotten more about the human body than you’ll ever know. If you’re the kind of person who has no idea where to find fresh green vegetables in the grocery store but can readily locate Hostess snack cakes, don’t insult the doctor’s intelligence by saying you’ve been “trying to eat better.” Second, your doctor is there to help. Lying to your doctor is like lying to God. Nothing good will come of it, and you’re really just lying to yourself.

• Don’t mouth off to police officers. You would think this would be an obvious one, but some people forget about an officer’s most significant piece of equipment. It’s not the gun, handcuffs or billy club. It’s his radio. Within seconds he can have a host of other officers on the scene to “convince” you to see things a little more rationally. Just shut up, do what he asks, and go about your day.

• Do not ever tell your boss that you have nothing to do. An employee with nothing to do or an employee who doesn’t have enough sense to figure out what needs to be done immediately marks himself as dispensable. These days, the guy who keeps his job is the guy who makes himself INdispensable.

I hope these little bits of insight are helpful. They’re not nearly as poetic as something Jim would have written, but I hope they’re at least somewhat useful. Besides, how often do you run into Superman or the Lone Ranger?

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.